You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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