have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
