I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize