as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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