Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
