I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
