How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
