my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
