where am i from again
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
