he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found puke in my bra..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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