so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
