oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
