Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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