she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
