Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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