I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
