I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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