my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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