Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just invented taco cereal.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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