just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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