It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
