Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I did not marry a roomba.
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