College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize