If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
