I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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