it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
