i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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