I could have mohawked her pubes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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