Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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