just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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