Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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