if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize