I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
