i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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