i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
