My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My ATM looks so different sober.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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