God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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