I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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