you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
