I wish I could teleport
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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