My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
