Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You took a bar mat shot.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
