Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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