what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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