Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize