Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
