3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
