id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
