I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
