and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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