Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
