uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
