You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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