I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My bed smells like the plague
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
