We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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