I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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