Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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