Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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