the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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