she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
