dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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