it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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