When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
