I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
