So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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