i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
