pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
