I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
