So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
