the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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