When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
