its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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