grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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