My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
