half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
