For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize