Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
