Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
