Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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